Tuesday, November 17, 2015

"BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!" (A War Story)



A Guest Blog by Henerey Hawk

As I sat silently in the dark I could see them -- not too far in front of me. There were at least six Muslim men, donning dark beards and wearing turbans, most carrying AK47s, one holding what appeared to be an RG-6 grenade launcher, and all of them walking slowly in front of a Soviet T-72 battle tank undoubtedly seized from an Iraqi Army in retreat. Islamic State terrorists! No doubt about it, likely out seeking to seize and behead. I could hear bombs and gunfire in the distant background. They were getting perilously close, but I patiently waited to see the whites of their eyes, if Muslims even have whites in their eyes, which I doubt, but nevertheless . . . I waited  . . .

. . . And then, at what seemed a blink of an eye, there was a woman -- a beautiful, blonde, big-breasted woman -- scantily clad in a stars and stripes bikini, sitting in a hot tub in the back of a red, white and blue pickup truck driven by a bull rider on an aircraft carrier beneath the Statue of Liberty with fireworks going off. I shit you not! And she was eating a big, fat, juicy-looking cheese burger topped with a hot dog and potato chips, apparently called a “Thickburger” from Carl’s Jr.  It looked amazing!  Well . . . except for the view of the New York City skyline behind her, seeming tragically empty without the iconic Twin Towers, now gone forever thanks to the incompetence of Obama.

But it reminded me of how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten for nearly half an hour. I remember I still had some rations remaining, leftovers from an earlier expedition to McDonalds. I slowly got up from my recliner chair, careful not to make any quick moves, turned off the TV, and cautiously moved through the dark towards the kitchen careful not to bump into the table and chairs that potentially obstructed my movement. I grabbed a Bud Lite and leftover Freedom fries from the fridge and moved towards the safety and security of my weapon – my Corsair K95 RGB Keyboard. A mechanical keyboard with customizable per-key backlighting, stylish aluminum design, detachable wrist rest, dozens of programmable options and customizable lighting modes it’s without a doubt one of the most deadly, effective and efficient keyboards available. It has a maximum effective range of  . . . well, anywhere in the world where there's internet . . . and can fire off 120 harsh, rude words-per-minute in the hands of a highly-skilled, well-trained typist.

While waiting for my computer to boot up, I closed my eyes and repeated my creed:

This is my keyboard. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My keyboard is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My keyboard, without me, is useless. Without my keyboard, I am useless. I must type on my keyboard quickly. I must type faster than the socialist libtards who are trying to insult me. I must insult and block them before they insult and block me. I will. . .

My keyboard and I know that what counts in verbiage warfare is not how many words we type, the accuracy of those words, or correct spelling, grammar and punctuation. We know that it is the insults that count. We will insult . . .

My keyboard is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, and where the backspace and escape keys are. I will learn QWERTY. I will keep my keyboard clean from food crumbs and beer spills and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will . . .

Before God, I swear this creed. My keyboard and I are the defenders of ‘Murica. We are the masters of the socialist libtards. We are the saviors of the Constitution, the Bible, the vision of our founding fathers and our nation’s Christian principles.  

So be it, until victory is ‘Murica's and there are no socialist libtards, but Jesus!

I boldly logged into the front lines of Facebook and wasted no time. I hit ’em hard and I hit ‘em fast; "shock an awe" is my motto! Kicking ass and making memes!

“Time to BOMB THE SHIT out of these goat-loving Muslim Islam communists and ERADICATE them from the face of the planet!” I posted. “I’ll be happy to introduce these socialist fascist bastards to their 72 virgins!”

Silence.

It was quiet . . . TOO quiet.

So I quickly followed up by posting a potent meme with a photo of American hero General George Patton with words: “Think like a warrior! We have to kill not only the Muslims but the liberals that let them into our country. We are at war to save the Republic. We must eradicate the problem and its cause.”
 
BAM! In your face libtards!

My comrade Jim Bob from Alabama replied. “Right on bro! Fuck Muslims and Obama Islam lovers!”

“We need to nuke them!” replied my friend Bucky B. from Georgia.

"If we didn't have a Muslim POTUS from Kenya the Marines would all be over there now, kickin' ass and taking Muslim names!" wrote my buddy Buddy from Pennsylvania. "And I'd be there with them, kicking MUSLIM ISLAM ASS . . . if I hadn't hurt my damn ankle in a softball game last week."

Believe me, in tense situations like this, it's good to know that your Facebook friends have your back!

And then it happened.  A “friend” I don’t really know -- likely "friended" through libtard relatives -- wrote this:

“Huh? Seriously? There’s so much inaccurate information in your ridiculous bigoted posts I do not even know where to begin in addressing them.”

Again, I hit hard and fast:

“Oh surprise, surprise . . . a NObama-loving libtard crawls out of his hole to defend Muslim terrorists and hate America!”

“Dude, I was an Army Ranger, I did two tours in Afghanistan and a tour in Iraq,” he replied.

“Oh,” I write. “Thank you for your service!”

“Thanks,” he wrote. “Who did you serve with?”

“I wanted to go in the service,” I replied. “I would have joined the Marines!  But I had other priorities at the time . . . I needed to go to college so I could get a good job and make a lot of money. But I am ready to go now! Unfortunately, the recruiters say I am too old. But I would. I really would. . . And I would kick some serious Muslim ass dude! I would kill all those motherfucking ragheaded Islam Muslims!”

“Um . . . okay. Wow! It’s a pretty complex situation over there, I don’t think your lies, simplifications, misconceptions, hate and bigotry are going to help much,” he replied.

“I say KILL THEM ALL and let God sort it out!,” I wrote. 

He replied: “Whose God, theirs or ours?” 

I took swift, immediate action. My two index fingers seemed to move on their own, instinctively. My years of rigorous training in typing classes at the Parochial Boys Military Academy were paying off.  

“Typical Libtard,” I wrote. “You sound more like a faggot than a Ranger. Drag your Hillary-loving ass back into the Barry HUSSEIN NObama zone you came from and let REAL AMERICANS deal with these communist Muslim goat-fucking assholes!”

And then I rapidly blocked him! (Thanking him one more time, of course, for his service before I did.)

One down! Enemy libtard neutralized!  

But I was hungry and exhausted. I moved stealthfully to the fridge and grabbed another Bud Lite and a leftover Super Patriot American Cheeseburger and silently settled back into my recliner.

I knew I had a long night ahead of me, and so for now I rested . . .


Henerey Hawk is an American Patriot and blogger living in Foghorn, Texas.  “Bomb The Shit Out of Them! (A War Story)” is excerpted from Hawk’s recently published book, “Tales From The Homefront: Fighting Terrorism and Libtards One Letter at a Time,” Fox News Press, 2015.   

NOTE: If you support the bold, patriotic efforts of courageous men like Henerey Hawk -- risking carpal tunnel syndrome so America can be made great again -- please urge your Congressional representatives to get them the support they desperately need.  These brave patriots are in dire need of updated computer gear and accessories as well as necessary training in spelling, grammar and punctuation.  



4 comments:

  1. Dave---please tell Hawk it's an RPG not b. Other then that he is pretty much right on with the rest of his meaningless, cowardly rant. Yes sir sign him up to walk point on a patrol in the real world. Time to field strip and clean my keyboard.

    Keep up the great work

    Semper Fi
    Mike

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Semper Fi Mike, from a real warrior to a fellow real warrior! :-)

      Delete
  2. Dave, I'm sooo glad Henery Hawk can come out of his shell and tell us all how easy it is to use a computer and keyboard to defeat the libtards and those Muslim radicals. Way to go Hawk!

    FYI, Dave P. sent me the link, am sitting here LMAO,
    Mark in Alaska

    ReplyDelete

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